This time it was different

September 11th, 2019. I had a bad feeling. It wasn’t the 1st time. 3 years of calling crisis counclers, ER trips, counslors, therepists, medication changes and thoughts of suicide. This felt different. It started the same. Problems at school, problems with friends, me being angry at him for making bad decisions. Him angry at me for coming down on him about school. He just started his senior year. 1 week in and already issues. He already had endured all the testing, adhd, vision therepy, tutoring, and special ED. This year should have been easy and exciting! But all these years of all these these terms like dyslexic, learning disabilty, bullying was hurting his big heart so much. Was it just 3 years ago that if you were looking from the outside in you would see a happy 3 sport athlete? Now words like depression, anxiety, suicidal idealation.

It was a wednesday. We were angry at each other but were supposed to meet for dinner the following night. I felt better about that. We would get through this tough time too. But this time was different. This time he had a gun. He is an avid hunter. I always keep his guns locked with ours but I forgot this time. I knew what was happening as soon as I saw his light on in his closet. I knew. A text from his girlfiend saying he was hurting. He stopped sharing his location with me. I told her if he comes there to call the police. He has a gun. I thank the Lord every single day my story ends with HE DIDN’T. He asked for help. He got to the hospital. He did inpatient hospitalization and went to Clara’s House for partial hospitalization. He got tools and skills to LIVE! I got help. I have lots of triggers but they are getting better. Alot of this story is his and I cannot tell it. But he tells it with strength and grace . He tell those who need it most. I know that his battle is not over. He has good days and bad days. I am so proud of him. He graduated and is working a job he loves. If you are living this please have HOPE!! Stop the stigma. What it looks like on the outside isn’t what it might be on the inside. Don’t give up. You are not alone.

Phillippians 4:13 “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”