Why can’t I just be normal?
When I have told others that I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, people are often surprised. I obviously have done a great job of hiding some of those struggles with many people who have known me well.Ā Is hiding that truth enabling a stigma?
I turned 45 recently, and Iām still learning more about myself each day. Since I can recall, Iāve always thought āthis is just who I am.āĀ When youāre wired a certain way, you donāt know any different.Ā Right?Ā I was raised in a really good home with loving parents, siblings& a strong faith.Ā I cannot recall ever going without anything I ever needed or really wanted.Ā What in the world would I have to be worried, anxious, or depressed about?Ā That was something that happened to people in bad situations, or to someone who had suffered some sort of trauma, right?Ā
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression around age 19.Ā Looking back though, the tendencies and thoughts that I was having, I remember always having.Ā I donāt remember ever ānotā feeling that way.Ā I remember having stomach aches in elementary school- all of the time. Again, thatās how I was wired.Ā That was just me, right?Ā Anxiety and mild depression really started to show their true colors when I needed to start making more decisions on my own as a young adult. In fact, a big symptom I had was indecisiveness.Ā Going to one store ( a 10- minute visit to Target) to pick up a simple item would turn into an all-day decision (spending three hours in the entire mall.)Other big decisions were impacted too.Ā How could I choose a college major?Ā I didnāt know where I would be living.Ā Would I marry someday?Ā Would I have children?Ā What type of salary would I need?Ā Thoughts would snow-ball quickly for me.Ā Soon, choices and decisions werenāt made.Ā Anxiety would keep my wheels spinning.Ā Instead, Iād find myself feeling guilt.Ā What was wrong with me?Ā Why couldnāt I just make up my mind?Ā I had goals, hopes and dreams.Ā Wasnāt I good enough to move forward to achieve those like my peers?Ā Not only would I feel guilt, but I would be angry.Ā That anger stemmed from anxiety and depression.Ā Unfortunately, with a short temper, I would find myself taking that anger out on those I loved the most.Ā This is just one example how the cycle of anxiety and depression has impacted my life.Ā
The last 25 years has brought many seasons: student, early marriage, first career, young mother, wife, stay at home mother, working FT & PT, daughter, friend, parent of teensā¦Ā The list will continue to evolve.Ā Each season is unique, yet anxiety and depression still creep in. This is all with a healthy family, a loving and supportive spouse, great kids, careers, and many blessings.Ā What in the world do I have to be anxious or depressed about!?
Itās a constant process: medication management, meditation, counseling, lots of exercise, yoga, healthy eating, etc.Ā One thing I found most beneficial though was just having a candid conversation with my primary care doctor.Ā In tears, I shared that I hated being wired this way. I didnāt want a lifetime of medications.Ā Why canāt I just be ānormalā like everyone else and cope with everyday ups and downs?Ā If I canāt handle the normal day to day stuff, how will I handle a real tragedy?Ā She calmly explained that I have a chemical imbalance.Ā If I were diabetic or had heart disease, we wouldnāt think twice about seeking medication to manage the illness. This is no different.Ā I still remember that calming conversation often. In addition, counseling has also helped me understand that I have weathered struggles in life.Ā I have handled them well, and Iāll continue to manage and handle what will come. I have the tools to manage this. There is no reason for me to compare my struggle or challenge to someone elseās.Ā Regardless, a struggle is a struggle.Ā
There is an unfortunate stigma associated with mental illness.Ā When I see people around me suffer, or hear of death by suicide, it truly breaks my heart.Ā Not everyone has the support and resources they need or want.Ā I am hopeful that sharing my story on this forum is a start to ending this stigma. I want to tell others- you are normal!Ā I am normal!Ā Ā Ā You can handle lifeās challenges- even the good stress that a wonderful life will bring.Ā You can learn and listen from your body and mind.Ā Ā You are not alone!Ā I am grateful for the opportunity to share, for a wonderful doctor and family, and excited to keep learning for another 45 years.